Man Down
Family is very important to me. I am the second oldest of five children. I love all of my siblings immensely. We had a challenging childhood but we looked after each other for want of proper parenting. I read books on educational theory as a teenager out of interest. I have worked as co-ordinator of a city center out-of-school club overseeing 35 primary aged children on a daily basis. I have volunteered to assist children grow and gain confidence at Forest School Camps and on Duke of Edinburgh Award expeditions. I have worked as a Learning Support Assistant with children at risk of exclusion. I have worked as an outdoor pursuits instructor, with both children and young adults, including young offenders. I have worked as a lecturer and private tutor in photography and photoshop. I am an uncle to three children. I am the father of two children. I was a stay-at-home dad (and self-employed photographer) for two years after being made redundant from my senior role in business. I am an artist. My ex-wife is a senior solicitor. We had an acrimonious divorce.
I have not had reciprocated contact with my children for three years.
There is no legal aid for family law. I have had to represent myself in court against expensive solicitors and Barristers many times.
My ex-wife is not at fault, no more than I anyway. The problem lies with our systems and our culture. Women learn that their value lies in becoming and being a mother. Men learn that being a father is optional, even when they become them.
Why do men have nipples? Men are a genetic variation of the default human biology of women: XY chromosomes as opposed to XX. Some animals reproduce asexually via parthenogenesis. Sexual reproduction is nothing but an evolutionary survival device for mixing genes so we can better fend off the constant onslaught of bacteria and viruses.
Women’s breasts connote many things, fertility and maternity most of all perhaps. Women’s breasts are fetishised as sexual objects but also because of their life-giving function in the act of nurturing and parenting children.
These are the reasons why I have made this picture the way it is.
The “contact” sheet showing the images from which I selected one to work on…
Having taken a topographical approach in my recent manipulated self-images that explore masculinity, I decided I wanted try a more intimate approach. Likewise, instead of the bright white background I’d used previously I thought that a black background would produce a more contemplative mood. Photographing oneself can be tricky, although current technology such as using an app on my phone to trigger the camera helps. I kept the set-up simple using one 600 Watt/second flash head fitted with a beauty dish to offer directional light that was softer than a standard reflector. The background is simply two pieces of A2 black foam board approx 5mm thick - I keep two white and two black ones on hand as useful reflectors/flags and at only a few pounds, they are excellent value.
Still, even with a simple set up, relying on autofocus in this situation, with low light and cack-handed operation of the phone at arms length is not ideal. To get around this I lay down my mannequin head which I use for practicing lighting, positioned the light where I wanted it, set the aperture to f8 (for broad enough depth of field to give me a safety margin in my focus), auto-focussed, then locked off the focus.
Positioning myself on the black foam board, I then triggered the camera (which in turn triggered the flash via a radio trigger) with my phone. I stopped to review the images frequently but continued until I was happy I had a few “keepers” to choose from. I was then intending to to shoot more images but this time with the camera over my shoulder capturing myself looking in a mirror, however as I was setting this up, the full-length mirror fell face down onto the floor and smashed!
The broken mirror on the floor actually looked very interesting and by only turning over a few pieces of glass, there was enough of the mirror visible to inspire me to try taking pictures of myself in the broken shards now on the floor. Sadly this proved to be an entirely fruitless task as without assistance it was impossible to get my reflection in the correct position, while also ensuring the camera would capture me but not show up itself in the mirror and similarly with the light. Getting the camera focussed on my reflection (as you can’t simply pre-focus on the glass because of the peculiar properties of mirrors) was also too challenging. So once I have replaced the mirror, I shall have to revisit the reflection images perhaps with assistance.
Anyhow, having imported the the first set into Lightroom, I very quickly felt compelled to choose to work on the image where my arm was raised. I didn’t think I would like it as I only adopted this pose on the spur of the moment and had pre-visioned myself lying prone with my arms by my sides. However, in actual-fact I much preferred the vulnerability of me raising my arm to open up my body, much more sensual. If I had been intending in advance to strike this pose, I probably would have taken my watch off, although I now consider it’s appearance in the image serendipitous due to the connotations of masculinity - measuring, control, power, manufacturing.
I had already chosen subdued lighting for the mood I wanted to convey but emphasised this in the editing process. Suppressing the highlights and whites and reducing the saturation somewhat really added to the atmosphere. Then taking the image into Photoshop I spent a couple of hours trying to digitally remove my mouth, replacing it with bare skin where it should have been. This task however was complicated by my facial hair. If I had persisted I could have achieved at least a passable result but actually, even when I was getting close, the image, the concept, didn’t “look” or “feel” how I’d hoped so I sat back and cogitated. After some time considering the image it occurred to me that the my nipples were a bone of contention. On men they are largely redundant organs but on women bear huge significance. Effective removal of my nipples was actually very easy, but I do not think that this need detract from the image which I feel is successful in speaking for something I needed to say.
After Lightroom adjustments but prior to retouching…
My simple set up and the broken mirror!